Monday, January 30, 2012

Rebel Jesus.

We all go through rebellious phases.  And as rebellious phases go, Jesus wasn't exactly a hell-fire rebel.  However, according to Leviticus 19:28, it is a sin to mark oneself with a tattoo.  As a result, Jesus Christ Son of God, as banished with the rest of the sinners to the lake of fire.  

Say what you will about the justice of torturing someone for an enterity for what is a minor crime, but at least God is consistent.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

50 ft jesus

According to the ancient prophesies, the only way to kill the fifty foot Jesus is to cut of the head.  This task was deemed nearly impossible, until the invention of the modern construction crane. 

Friday, January 27, 2012

Changing customs

According to Revelation 19, in the end of days, Christ marries his bride and ushers in a new era of perfect peace.   However, the marriage was arranged 2000 years ago in the Palestine.  Customs and laws were different then.  Thus, before Jesus can bring a 1000 years of perfect peace, He has to spend 10 to 20 years in the big house.  

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Bad B.O.

And Jesus spoke "Shit, I knew I should have worn deodorant." 

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Sometimes I think I understand.

The flying napkin looked as the two giant static hands of God copped a feel while big head Jesus looked on, and raver Jesus cried. 

Scandinavia Christ

It is a common mistake to believe that the events described in the New Testament occurred in the Middle East. However, if one examines most of the art work, the people depicted are clearly Caucasian of northern European descent. Since at the time, there were few if any Vikings in the Middle East, one can safely assume that the Jerusalem and Bethlehem mentioned in the Gospels are actually Jerüsalemk, Norway and Bëthleshemk, Sweden.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

In Heaven, they still need the Ozone layer.

No one dead or alive ever realized the full damage that 1980's Christian hair-metal did, until someone noticed a hole in the ozone layer above Heaven. Now, God's chosen have a 37.8% increase in their chances of getting skin cancer.


They said that Israel's nuclear test by the Dead Sea would awake geo-political turmoil never before seen in the region. But that is not what the radiation awoke from the deep. Not only did it bring forth Jesuzilla and lay waste to Jerusalem, but it ripped a hole in the fabric of space itself and caused the moon to become a mini earth......

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Bad, bad trip.

Only later, when the acid wore off, did God realize what he had done. The wells of the deep were open. The windows of heaven were open. There was water everywhere. And the dolls floating dead in the water weren't dolls.

Original work at :

Friday, January 6, 2012

Float like a bee, sting like a butterfly.

While exceeding at many aspects of life, Jesus's boxing career will be remembered as a great disappointment. Although naturally skilled and very athletic, Jesus's "turn the other cheek" approach will go down as the worst boxing strategy of all time.

Original image at:

Thursday, January 5, 2012

The baptism of Jesus

There is absolutely nothing homo-erotic about two grown men bathing each other. Really. I'm serious. Nothing homo-erotic here. Just because after John "baptized" Jesus, and the "holy spirit" "descended" on Jesus, there is nothing homo-erotic here. The flaming cum-wad from heaven on the other hand, totally homo-erotic.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


Contrary to Catholic doctrine, the wafer does not actually turn into the flesh of Jesus Christ. However, according to quantum theory, the wafer has a 1 in 1.34 * 10^60 chances of randomly turning into pure LSD. And Little Susie here just won the lottery.